Lexicon Chapter 12: Playing it Cool

by JudgeDreadz

“You might, like want some of this” said a voice from somewhere above me. Standing over me was one of the girls from the group that Danny had been harassing with a handful of ice in a plastic bag.

“Thanks” I said reaching for the ice.

“Here, let me help you” she said sitting down next to me and holding the ice on the back of my head.

“I’m Nikki” she said. At this point, I couldn’t tell what she looked like as I only saw the ice initially, and now she was sitting behind me.

“Lex” I said. This is it. I thought to myself as I frantically searched my mind for something clever to say. I was about to apologise for being so terse with my replies when I realised, I needed to just relax like Uncle Brandon said. I will let her come to me. Women love sex just as much as men, I repeated to myself silently.

“You were like, so totally brave. Your friend is like a total douche. I’m not even joking, he is so annoying.  But you, you were so awesome.”

I did not know what to say. I had forgotten what it was like to receive praise from girls. So, I just stayed silent, hoping it would appear that I was relaxed.

Nikki kept the ice pack on the back of my head and put her hand on my thigh to steady herself on my side. She looked at my face and I looked at her. She had shoulder length dark hair with dark eyes. Her cheeks were perpetually rosy which gave the impression she was always blushing. I remembered her now. While I couldn’t see it at the time, I remembered she had a banging little body that was hugged by her short denim shorts. It was getting harder to just relax.

“Are you OK?” she asked me. Nikki made a cute concerned face as she tilted her head and pouted her lips slightly “You’re not going into shock are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks Nikki. Nice to meet you.” She was making it difficult for me to relax. I needed to regroup. I unsteadily got to my feet and looked for Danny.

Danny was sitting in a chair staring off into space and nursing a plastic cup that looked more like another one of his favourite drinks than a much needed glass of water. I knew better than to argue with him.

“Are you OK?” I asked him.

“I should be asking you that question” said Danny, gesturing to the makeshift ice pack I was holding to the back of my head.

“I’m OK” I told him.

“Then what are you doing over here? That hottie was all over you. Get back in there man.”

I looked over my shoulder and Nikki was looking over my way. She smiled and gave a cute wave by wiggling her fingers in my direction. I almost waved but then suppressed myself and quickly turned around. Play it cool, Lex. Just relax. I heard these words of Uncle Brandon’s repeating in my head.

“I have it covered” I told Danny.

I felt a hand on my shoulder spinning me around. I turned to face a very angry looking Mindy.

“What is your problem?” she asked me.

“What are you talking about?” I enquired less than politely.

“Why were you so weird around Charlie?”

“I wasn’t being weird. And if I was, I have every right to be. You don’t think I would be a little jealous that my girlfriend that I had spent the last four years of my life is already moving on not even one week after we broke up?”

“I’m not moving on, Charlie is a friend. But what if he wasn’t? Does it make you mad that someone desires me? How long do I have to wait, Lex?” I really wished she would keep her voice down. I could feel many pairs of eyes attracted to the scene developing around us.

I had nothing. “Forget about it. I’m done” was all that I could say. I desired Mindy. God knows I had tried to initiate sex so many times only to be met with “Its getting late”, “I don’t really feel like it” or “I think my parents are coming home soon” which all equated to “We are not having sex.” It was her fault that we were not having sex, not a lack of desire from me. How dare she put that on me? But I did not want to discuss this here. I could feel my recently acquired hero status diminishing with this ex-lover’s spat and revealing to everyone my barren sex life would only accelerate the decline. It was time to leave Nikki. I turned my back and walked away to find Nikki. I felt the dampness of Charlie’s drink on my back followed by a “Fuck you Lex” from Mindy. I did not turn around because I was afraid to confront Mindy’s fury.

I did my best to disappear into the crowd. Success is the best revenge I remember someone telling me. Nikki would be my success tonight. I could not find her so I asked around and followed the vague directions. I found Nikki. The only problem was, she was straddling another guys lap and kissing him passionately.

I don’t know how long I stood rooted to the spot and watched dumbfounded but I am pretty sure it was too long to salvage any dignity.

I found Danny “Heeey, there’s my man” he said with a congratulatory tone.

“Let’s get out of here” I told him.

“But what about the hottieees?” he protested as I dragged him out the front gates.

“I’m not in the mood” was all the explanation I gave him. My negativity must have been so strong that, even in his drunken state, Danny knew not to utter another word until it we parted ways.

“Drunk girls, man. Don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow you will realise its not so bad.”

“Thanks” I said unconvincingly as we walked in our separate directions.

I felt like crap and didn’t wake up until lunchtime on Sunday. I poured myself some cereal and milk and reflected on the shit weekend and Uncle Brandon’s bad advice. No wonder why Dad told me to stay away from him. I thought about calling him up and giving him the lowdown on how his crap advice was worsening the quality of my life. My better judgment told me it was a fruitless exercise as he would probably just give me more crap advice to cover the old crap advice.

After finishing my late breakfast, I sat at my desk in my pyjamas with my unbrushed teeth and set my stopwatch. I turned my phone off and attempted to focus. I was at least going to stay true to my creative practice.

My hands rested on the keyboard but not one key was pressed. After sixteen minutes of staring blankly at the screen while ruminating on the events of the past few weeks I abandoned the session and turned off the computer.

I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling with my hands on my face. I had destroyed a life full of promise because I could not recognise what I had in front of me.  If life was hopeless before, I had no idea where my life had arrived. I thought about the pain killers in the medicine cabinet. The only thing that stopped me from cramming a handful into my mouth was my cynicism. I knew if I attempted suicide, I would probably fuck it up somehow.

I had sunk to a new low.