Michael comes up with four questions that could give you insight on your friend list. They are summarised here (in a slightly different order)

1. Who could you invite in? 
   •  friendships grow gradually with persistence. However, it can start with the smallest thing. If you look back on some of your strongest friendships, did either of you see it coming?
2. How can you invite them in?
   • it could be as trivial as inviting them to something you are already doing anyway
3. If you could rekindle one friendship, which one would it be?
   • A good friend is hard to come by and should not be discarded simply because you both have been too busy
4. Who should you defriend?
   • “Quantity is nothing. Quality is everything. And time spent on quantity is time lost to quality.” – nuff said.

The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye,
The story of love is hello, goodbye
- Jimi Hendrix

If this interests you, please go ahead and read Saying Goodbye in full.

Today is that day. I am sitting in Uncle Brandon’s hospital room with Dad.

I took a seat next to Dad. If Uncle Brandon decided that his life was not worth living, what hope did I have? My previous monotonous, predictable existence was changing at an alarming rate. It was like trying to wade through a quagmire.

“Lex, you barely said a word since last night. Is there something I can do?”

I shook my head silently. What could Dad do?

Uncle Brandon was in a deep sleep but the doctors said he should make a full recovery.

On the drive home, the monosyllable “Why?” left my mouth.

“Why do people kill themselves?”

“Why would Uncle Brandon kill himself? He had the life. He was successful in every sense of the word.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about Uncle Brandon, Lex”

“You always say that but you never give me an answer. Why do you never tell me?”

“Because I see the way you look at him Lex. You look up to him like a role model. I didn’t want to take that away from you.”

It was pretty clear that was not going to happen anymore. I pretty much stopped looking up to him after he gave me such crap advice.

“Uncle Brandon has been doing pretty badly. He kept it very hush hush but he hasn’t had a job for a long time.”

As if sensing my next question, Dad followed with

“Those trips he goes on are job hunts because he can’t get a job nearby. After Sharna left him, he emotionally collapsed. He then tried to fill the void by doing anything to sleep with women who could tolerate him for a few hours. I am not sure what he told them, but in the end they didn’t stay for long.”

Hearing my straight laced Dad talk about women and sex so frankly was very confronting.

We pulled into the driveway of our home. It was still only late morning but Dad was looking very tired.

“I’m going to lie down” he said.

“Won’t work be upset? It sounds like you have been really busy”

“Hmmm…Lex, I was putting off telling you this for some time. Now is probably as good a time as any. When I am out, I am not always at work. I have started seeing someone.”

I was surprised at how unsurprised I was by this news. Everything was changing around me. I was ready for my Dad to grow antennae and tell me his new companion lives in some distant galaxy and they must help repopulate the colony assisted by the liberal application of massage oil and massage candles.

Thankfully, that conversation never came up.

“Dad, why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. I felt like Dad had coddled me like a small child. He obviously didn’t respect my composure. Then again, the way I freaked out when I saw him at Sir Kinkalots, I could not be too harsh on him.

“I wasn’t sure how long it was going to last and well, time flies as they say. You have to meet her, Lex, she’s great. Really funny. You will love her.”

I didn’t know what to say. It seemed like everyone around me was able to recover from break-ups except me. I forced a smile and a “Well done, Dad” and went up to my room.

I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. If two and a half weeks ago I had shaken up my world, it had clearly been turned on its head today. I did not know what to think or believe. I had been taking advice from a suicidal sleaze while my lame coin collecting father had been getting after work rub downs from a woman he was crazy about. Was I not being enough like Dad?

I shuddered to think of myself coming home to a box of coins. No. I had already tried one extreme and if the last week had taught me anything it was that the middle is the path to follow. It had not been all bad.

I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling. I was drained. I reflected on my eventful few weeks and what had happened. I had definitely needed to leave Mindy. That was a given. I realised how much that relationship was draining me only after I left.

And now, despite my slow start, I felt like a lion set amongst a field of lionnesses. In my reflective state I realised that it had been only a few weeks since Mindy and I had broken up. It was harsh to say it was not the start I had expected. It was only two weeks since I was a free man. I had not even started.

Clearly, change wasn’t as easy as other people made it look. I looked sideways to my desk with the closed laptop sitting on it.

I did not feel much like sleeping. I sat at my desk, unfolded my laptop as I had done many times before since I had decided to explore my creative prowess. However, this time I felt inspiration coursing through me. I started writing about the day I decided to something needed to change and started working from there. I figured, that in the future, when I had all of this handled, I would reflect on this time and think it was rough, but necessary.

I had found my muse

All was not lost.

Unsure of what to do, I asked myself: what would the old Lex do? I know the old Lex would have kept to himself, so I tried to do the opposite. I turned to the people behind me and asked them if they had seen Triangle before.

They told me they weren’t here to see Triangle but the support act. It looked like it was going to be a great night of music. It better be. I spent enough money on it.

The conversation felt quite forced, but it was good to break out of my comfort zone at least for a little while.

And then I saw her. It was Stef, she seemed to walk up to me in slow motion.

“Hi” she said and all in one motion, stomped out her cigarette and hugged me.

“I saved you a spot” I told her half joking, half serious.

“Thanks” she said “this is Erika.” Stef’s friend was pretty cute herself. If I didn’t already have eyes for Stef, I definitely would have been interested.

I asked Stef where her friends were and she said they didn’t like mainstream stuff like Triangle. I had no idea Triangle were mainstream. Could I be that out of the loop?

Stef asked me whether my clothes were new. I was so glad she noticed my sense of style and I proudly told her I picked them up on the weekend. For some reason, she looked unimpressed and there was a long awkward silence between Stef, Erika and I.

I tried to think of something impressive to say. I remembered the fight at Waynes tribute and how I saved Danny by talking our way out of the situation. For some reason, the girls just seemed to grow more and more unimpressed and distant. Stef was killing me. She was being so difficult.

I could feel the conversation dying. I had to win the girls back somehow. I remembered Wayne’s tribute and how I saved Danny from the two meatheads.

“Hey, did I tell you about my friend Wayne?” I began the story but they seemed to get more and more disinterested.

Stef took her packet of cigarettes and gestured to Erika to leave

“We’ll be back” she said with a wink.

Shortly after they left, the line started moving rapidly towards the imposing doors and I eventually entered Heaven’s Gate alone.

The club looked much different to what I remembered. It had been rearranged for Triangle’s show obviously. But, it had also lacked the same jolt of excitement I remembered when I first walked in.

The first band started almost as soon as I arrived inside. They were a lot heavier than Triangle. I wish I had brought ear plugs. I kept looking around for Stef and Erika but I could find them and the crowd was getting more and more dense. I was glad I had got in early. I was pretty close to the front and had a relatively unobstructed view.

Triangle came on about twenty minutes after the first band finished. They opened with the song that Stef had played to me on Saturday night. I waited for the magical moment where Stef would find me and we would passionately make out in the middle of the crowd.

It was the longest song of my life. The song ended. The magical moment never came.

I stayed for a few more songs and then realised I had spent almost all of my savings on an outfit and tickets to see a band that I only knew one song. Correction, two bands for which I only knew one song.

I left about a few songs into Triangle’s set. On the way out I saw Stef and Erika talking to two guys that looked like vampires. I realised that she did not even try to find me again. I got on the train feeling broke and dejected.

I pulled out my phone to tell Danny what a waste of time the evening was when I saw I had seven missed calls and one text message. This was very unusual for me, even when Mindy and I were together. My mind raced with the possibilities. Had Stef hunted down my number somehow and wanted to apologise for being so distant tonight? Imagine my disappointment when I saw that the caller was Dad. The text message was also from dad.

“Please call me asap.”

Dad was the last person I wanted to talk to. If he had wanted to talk about what happened at Sir Kinkalots, I really was not in the mood to discuss this so late at night, let alone after the disappointment delivered by the previous events.

When I got home, Dad was at the dinner table. His coin collection was absent. There was nothing else on the table besides a mug. As I approached, he looked at me, His eyes were bloodshot. It looked like he had been crying.

“Lex,” he said to me as I hoped that the next words out of his mouth were not “we need to talk”

“Lex. Your Uncle Brandon is in hospital. He tried to commit suicide.”

“Hey man, wait up” Danny yelled after me.

My heart was beating so quickly. I hunched over trying to catch my breath and looked up at Danny.

“Isn’t this the thing Stefania invited you to?”

He pressed the flyer into my free hand.

It was an advertisement for the Flawless Triangle concert. The concert was happening at Heaven’s Gate, sure enough, but it was happening on Tuesday.

“I thought Heaven’s Gate only happens on Saturdays.”

“Heaven’s Gate is only a venue, bro. The party we went to only happens on Saturdays. The other nights of the week other stuff happens but you usually see the same people there.”

“But Stef told me next week. Why would she tell me the wrong thing?” I asked, feeling confused and slightly annoyed. Was this some kind of cruel joke that fate and Stef were playing on me?

Danny could see I was getting worked up “Maybe you misunderstood what she said, man. Don’t worry about it. You got your rad new clothes, you got your tickets. Soon, you will have Stefania. You’re set man.”

When Danny was sober, he was pretty good at keeping me from turning my life into a soap opera that revolved around me.

“Oh shit. Tickets” I gasped as I slapped my forehead in disbelief “I don’t have the tickets.”

“That’s OK, man. Triangle are only really popular amongst the Heaven’s Gate crowd. You can just get the tickets online tonight. Trust me, bro, it will all work out. Stefania won’t be able to resist you.” Danny had such a look of genuine joy on his face. I am sure if the tables were turned and he had the chance with Stef, I would not be able to hide my jealousy.

I took a deep breath in. Danny was right. I think seeing my dad in Sir Kinkalots had rattled my already fragile sense of composure.

That night, I managed to get my tickets. I now had $5.73 in my bank account. I was simultaneously the poorest but most clear headed I had been in my entire life. I was broke, but I had a date with a girl who I really clicked with.

And now, as I sit by the hospital bed, listening to the hum of the life sustaining equipment, recounting the events of the last few weeks, I remember holding the ticket to see Triangle in my hand and thinking “Life is good.”

Monday dragged on and I could not concentrate on anything. My mind was filled with anticipation with my date with Stef. I had not seen Dad since our incident. I tried to tell myself we were probably avoiding each other but the fact was that I was probably avoiding him. Only now do I realise how much I had underestimated the value of his words and how things are not always as they seem.

A few hours before the doors of Heaven’s Gate were due to open I tried on my clothes and looked in the mirror a few times. And then I took them off. I could only wear pants that tight for so long.

I took out the familiar bottle of vodka. I needed something to take the edge of my nerves. I filled up a shot glass and let it burn its way down my throat. I poured myself another one, looked at it and put it back on the table. That was enough for now.

I rode the train to Heaven’s Gate. The usually empty train felt even lonelier without Danny beside me. Of the few people in the train with me, I felt like their eyes were fixed on me. The strange thing was, after about ten minutes I got accustomed to it.

“Man. Stefania Lorenzo is like the alpha dog of Heaven’s Gate. I mean, not that I’d call her a dog. You know what I mean. Nice work man.”

Danny affirmed my feelings that Stef could be interested in me. I asked Danny where I could buy some clothes that would help me fit in to Heaven’s Gate. I wanted to be part of Stef’s world and I knew the pink dress shirt wouldn’t cut it two nights in a row.

Danny told me what he knew about Stef. It was not much because apparently she kept to herself and her tight group of friends. This made her invitation to me feel so much more special.

“Stefania is really fine, buddy. It looks like she likes you as well. You should totally hit that.”

Danny gave me the name of the place where a lot of the Heaven’s Gate crowd bought their stuff.

I knew the place: Sir Kinkalots. It retailed the type of clothing known as alternative, as well as a bunch of other products that fell into the alternative basket. That is what Danny told me anyway.

I did not want to be seen anywhere near the place. I was always afraid that someone from Walter Clarke might see me there and then I’d be known around the office as that guy who is into kinky stuff .

I wondered what to do. For all my tiptoeing around Walter Clark, I ended up losing what I tried to protect anyway.

And besides, that was the old Lex. I wanted to bury any memories of the old Lex by doing things he would not do. It was Sunday, the beginning of the week. A perfect time to reinvent myself.

When I left home, Dad was out. It was just as well, I hated lying to him. I always got the feeling he knew I was lying and was just keeping up the facade to watch me squirm. I had not quite reinvented myself enough to have the desired level of courage to tell my Dad I was going to a place as radical as Sir Kinkalots.

Danny was more than willing to come with to help me pick an appropriate outfit. This relieved me more than I was willing to express to him. Not only was I still carrying the fear that the old Lex had. I also had no idea what I was looking for and I could see myself ignorantly looking my new flashy Stef-winning wardrobe amongst the ladies’ sex toys section.

Sir Kinkalots was in a central part of the city near Walter Clarke which was why I feared running into some of my former colleagues. As we walked down the steps to Sir Kinkalots underneath the street level, I felt the same feeling in the pit of my stomach that I felt when entering Heaven’s gate

I did not know what to expect. My first reaction was surprise. The place was much bigger than I thought it would be. The shop was staffed by one girl at the counter. I did notget a good look at her though. I was doing my best to keep my eyes forward, afraid of catching the eyes of someone I knew lurking behind one of the displays of human desire.

Danny led me to the back of the store. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see all the colourful and unusual looking shapes and displays of nakedness on the shelves. Near the back of the long, narrow shop was a rack of clothes that did not appear to be sorted in any particular manner. Unlike the rest of the store, the predominant colour was black and the predominant texture was smooth and shiny. I had never seen clothes like this before.

With the discerning eye of a fashionista, Danny pulled out different items, inspected them and either put them back or threw them on top of the rack to suggest they were in the “maybe” pile.

Danny handed me a pile of clothes. “Try these on. I think these are your size. I’ll be out here.”

“Are you getting some new clothes too?” I asked as he ushered me into the sole fitting room without checking to see if anyone was inside. I wondered how often Danny came to this place. The usual air of slight awkwardness seemed to dissolve as soon as we crossed the threshold in this underground lair. He seemed more at home in this store under the street than anywhere else.

I drew the curtain closed and looked with great anticipation at the pile of black material in my hands. There were three items. One was a long coat. The other was a pair of shiny black pants. The last piece was a garment made completely out of a light mesh material. By a process of elimination, I concluded it was a shirt-like thing.

I put the pants on with a lot of effort. It was a lot tighter than what I was used to wearing.  To my relief, when I looked in the mirror, it actually looked pretty good. I negotiated the mesh top over my head and onto my shoulders. I took the time to admire my new image in the mirror before unfolding the coat. I was about to slip it on when I heard Danny’s harsh, anxious whisper “Lex!”

Before I could respond, Danny came bursting through the curtain and pulled it closed. He looked terrified.

“What?” I asked feeling very confused. I had never seen Danny look so scared. I wondered if the meatheads from Wayne’s tribute had stumbled into the place and were looking for retribution for getting kicked out of the party. I had a lot of trouble with letting go of near misses like that.

“What?” I asked again.

Danny closed eyes and took a deep breath in. “I don’t mean to alarm you, but your dad is here!”

It took a while for the words to sink in.

“My dad?” Danny must have been mistaken. I was sure he was mistaken and I didn’t feel comfortable spending anymore time with Danny inside that tiny fitting room wearing these tight, revealing pants and even more revealing mesh top.

I put the coat on and flipped the collar up as if this would give me extra camouflage from whoever it was I was hiding from. I was not ready to entertain the idea that my dad would even have a concept of a place like this, let alone have any interest in buying something from here.

But sure enough, there he was. My dad was looking through a shelf of strange looking bottles. He was wearing his dad uniform of polo t-shirt tucked into his track pants. It was difficult to describe how out of place he looked. However, he seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He investigated the stock on the shelves with the same confidence that Danny picked out the clothes I was wearing.

Danny and I looked at each other perplexed as we hunched behind a rack of porn DVDs.

“Are those pants OK? Or do you want one size up?” asked the shop assistant. Women seem to be sneaking up on me a lot these days I thought as I allowed myself a slight chuckle despite the surreal situation.

“No, that’s OK” Danny blurted out nervously and loudly.

Dad turned around from the shelf.

“Danny?” he exclaimed with surprise. His eyes then darted across to me where the top half of my head was poking out of the top of the shelf of DVDs

“Lex? What are-”

“These are good. I’ll take them” I said. I was so flustered that I unbuttoned the pants and almost took them off in the middle of the store and brought them to the counter. I then regained just enough composure to shuffle to the makeshift fitting room, almost tripping on the long trench coat milling around my ankles.

Inside the fitting room, I sat against the wall with my head in my hands. My dad is in here buying some perverted bottles of who knows what? My world seemed to keep unravelling.

Shamefully, I texted Danny “Is he still here?” I could not face my dad right now.

Danny poked his head through the curtain “He left pretty much as soon as you had your meltdown.”

“What the fuck is he doing here? What the fuck is my dad doing at Sir Kinkalots?”

“It looked like he was just buying some massage oil and massage candles.”

“Just massage candles? What is he going to do with a massage candle? He is always at work” I decided to stop asking questions. I knew the answers would scare me. I did not even know what a massage candle was.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, I told myself. It was at this moment that I realised that I had lost Danny. He and his new love interest were now nowhere to be seen. I almost told myself that it was time to go home. I felt like a foreigner and I didn’t belong here. I realised that my mind probably was not helping me make the most of the experience. The old Lex didn’t belong here I told myself. The new Lex doesn’t have a home. The new Lex goes wherever he wants.

I felt myself standing up straighter and puffing my chest out. I was going to make the most of this.

I saw a trio of cute girls dressed up as angels joyously dancing to the music. I walked over to them, trying to keep in time with the music which resulted in my attempted masculine swagger alternating into a slightly feminine skip.

I started dancing with them. They were all so little, I felt like a giant dancing among pixies. Actually, I was more dancing around them. I figured it was time for them to get to notice me. I waved to one of them and said “Hi, I’m Lex.”

“What?” I read her lips.

Silly me. The music was way too loud. I could barely hear the words coming out of my own mouth. I was lost. If I couldn’t talk to them, what could I do? The answer came to me, as I saw Danny. He and his nurse were dancing to the music. They were dancing slowly and completely out of time with the music, seemingly entranced with each other.

I realised that I didn’t have to talk. My angel was back to dancing with her friends once again completely oblivious to my presence. I grabbed her hand and she yanked her hand away as if my hand had just nibbled on hers. I did not know what to do. Then I realised that she was probably seeing if I knew what to do, to see whether I could take control like Uncle Brandon was explaining. The question was, should I trust in Uncle Brandon’s advice?

I gulped down and felt my heart beat really fast and then reached out with both hands and grabbed her hips on either side and spun her towards me. She kind of stumbled into me with her head resting on my chest. What am I doing I asked myself. I fully expected a slap in the face but it never came. I only felt her hands on my chest, gently pushing her face away from my chest. When I looked at her, I expected to see the surprised look Jessica had given me before but instead she was giggling and slightly blushing.

I was so surprised by her reaction that I did not have time to do anything before her other two angel companions grabbed her by the arms and ushered her away.

I stamped my foot on the ground like an angry toddler who did not get his way. It felt like I could do nothing right. Even when things were going my way, something would come up to squash that little glimmer of hope.

“Nice shirt” said a voice that my ears pulled towards me through the waves of sound encasing me.

I turned around and saw a pretty face with skin like porcelain framed by long dreadlocked jet black hair. She had a silver bar piercing through her eyebrow and a big smile which revealed her slightly crooked teeth.

I turned around and laughed.

“Why do people keep saying that?” I asked.

“Because it shows you have a sense of humour and people like a sense of humour”

I did not know what she meant. I thought she was making fun of me. But I did not know what to do.

“Hi, I’m Lex” I said extending my hand.

As expected, she gestured that she couldn’t hear me. She pulled out a packet of cigarettes and beckoned for me to follow her outside.

We exited Heaven’s Gate and joined the cloud of smokers gathering near the entrance. I hated second hand smoke. I hated the habit of smoking altogether but this seemed to be a nice change of fortune for me. Through the haze, I could get a better look at my new friend.  She looked even prettier outside the dim lighting of the club.

She offered me a cigarette and without thinking, I took one of the slender sticks out of the packet and put it in my mouth. I silently hoped that I put the right end in my mouth as she raised the lighter to my lips to light my cigarette. The old Lex would have rejected the cigarette. The old Lex probably would not have come outside. But I despised the old Lex.

I inhaled and choked on the smoke in a cough and a splutter.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

I thought about a way I could talk myself out of this but I could not “I actually don’t smoke. I just wanted a reason to talk to you. You seem nice. Hi, I’m Lex” I said extending my hand.

She laughed. It sounded so sweet.

“You’re funny. I’m Stef.” She reached over but did not shake my hand. Instead, she pulled the cigarette from between my inexperienced fingers and put it in her mouth to join her other cigarette. There was something really sexy about that. I think it was because my saliva was in her mouth.

She blew the smoke from both cigarettes out the side of her mouth and locked eyes with me and smiled. Her smile made my heart beat quicker. It made me uncomfortable. I had to say something.

“So…I haven’t seen you around here” I said, the words spilling out my mouth.

“Really?” she said “I am here all the time. When did you start coming here?”

“I errr…actually this is my first time” I admitted.

Stef looked at me slightly confused.

“I guess I was just trying to make conversation” I said sheepishly answering her unasked question.

Stef looked at me and then I saw the smirk creep across her face turning into a smile. She chuckled.

“I don’t know whether you are being serious or not. But I like you. You’re not like all the other guys around here.”

“Thanks” I said, returning her smile. She likes me because I’m not like the other guys, I thought to myself. This sounded promising.

She took another drag of her cigarette and blew the smoke out from her nostrils. She made the habit I despised so much so very appealing.

“I’m curious, why did you choose tonight to come to Heaven’s Gate?”

“Just. You know. Stuff happens.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean” she said with a sigh “So what do you think?”

“Ummm…” I didn’t know what to say. Should I tell her that I felt so out of place that I had to look at myself in the mirror for god knows how long in order to just be in the crowd without freaking out? The truth had served me pretty well so far. Probably best to stick to that, I thought to myself. “I think the music gets pretty boring after a little while.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean” she said with a carbon copy of the sigh she responded with earlier “I don’t really care for it too much myself.” She threw both cigarettes on the ground and stamped them out under her boot clad foot. She then pulled out a stick of gum. I watched hypnotised as her glossy cherry red lips gently churned away at the spearmint green stick.

“Hey!” The word broke my trance. Stef was offering me a stick of gum.

“Thanks” I said. This girl was dynamite. What was she doing out here with a pink dress shirt wearing loser like me? I looked around. There were some couples, some trios and some bigger groups just enjoying each others company, sharing cigarettes and laughs.

She pulled down the right side of her top and reached her left hand down near her right breast. She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse “I want to show you something. Come here.” I found myself magnetically lured towards her. What was she planning? Why was she toying with me? Was she trying to lull me into a false sense of security so that her scary looking fancy dress wearing friends could roll me for all my cash and wordly possessions? The joke was on them, it would be a waste of their energy.

Stef pulled her phone out from her bra, or thereabouts. She plugged in some earphones and offered me one.

“Listen to this” she said.

I put the earphone in my ear and she hit play. The sound was unlike anything I had ever heard. I couldn’t tell what instruments were being played. But the lyrics were very familiar. About half-way through the song, I realised that the lyrics were from John Lennon’s song “Imagine” but it had been interpreted in a very different way. It was beautiful.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stef. Her eyes were closed and she had a blissful smile on her face. Her shiny lips sparkled slightly as her words gently mouthed the words. It was then I noticed that my hand was resting on her thigh. Her hand was on top of mine. My hand was on top of her other hand which was holding the phone that was playing the music that was creating this beautiful moment.

I thought about how I missed out on a great time with Nikki because I didn’t act. I thought about how I messed up a great night with Jessica because I was too forward. I watched Stef. She was more beautiful than both of them combined. I tried to put the past behind me. That was the old Lex. The overthinking Lex. Now I would just follow my gut and my gut was telling me I had to kiss her now. The song could end at any time.

I moved my face close to hers and closed my eyes and hoped for the best.

Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jerked my head around and the earphone yanked itself out of my ear, breaking the pleasurable meld of the past few minutes.

“Hey man, I thought I’d lost you!”

It was Danny. He sure knew how to choose his moments.

Stef awoke from her trance and shot a surprised glance at Danny. His eyes darted to Stef’s face and then at our intertwined hands and then back to me. Now it was his turn to look surprised.

“Stef, this is my best friend Danny” I said to her.

“Nice to meet you, Stef. I …um, have to get a drink” and as unexpectedly as he had arrived, Danny shuffled away.

“He seems nice” said Stef.

“He has his moments” I tried to change the subject “who is this? I really like them.” It was the truth.

“The Flawless Triangle. They are one of my favourite bands” said Stef. She cocked her head to the side slightly and shot me a smile that stretched the corners of my mouth into a toothy grin. I felt like I had lost control of my face.

“They are playing here next week. You should come. It will be fun.”

“That sounds like…like fun” I said still trying to regain control of my facial expressions and my mastery of the English language.

Just then, like screeching bats out of a cave, a swarm of girls dressed like Stef came out and pulled her away from me.

“Stop being boring and come dance with us” was one of the things I heard among the din. I saw Stef turn her heard towards me as she was being rushed away. I could read “Next week” on her lips as she pointed to the doors of Heaven’s Gate.

I put a reminder in my phone to be at Heaven’s Gate next week. As I was doing so, I saw I had a message. It was from Danny.

“Hey man. Gotta run. Nice work.”

It was unlike Danny to leave without me. Then again, this was the first time I had really seen him getting physical with a girl. Maybe he had taken her home, or maybe he was just trying to give me space to be alone with Stef.

It looked like once again, after a night of promise I was going home alone again. But this time, I did not mind so much.

At home, I watched Dad sorting a pile of coins into two piles. I knew that if I wanted some kind words, I knew Dad would not hesitate to serve them to me. However, I also realised the words would be coming from the man that personified the very situation I was trying to avoid. I watched him, a successful, wealthy, reasonably good looking man sitting at home on a Friday night in his pyjamas sorting through old coins. God bless you, Dad I bid him silently, you show me all the things not to do to lead an interesting life.

The next morning, I woke up with some level of excitement. I had finally given in to Danny’s persistent invitations and we were going to Heaven’s Gate. Now that I didn’t have Mindy to weigh me down, I was really looking forward to getting out there and checking out the scene. If all the stories Danny had told me were true, we were in for a very fun time.

I had a kind of nervous anticipation. It had been a long time since I had gone out to dress to impress. Although it didn’t serve me terribly well last time, I put on the same outfit from my date with Jessica, my light pink dress shirt and my dress pants. They were the smartest pieces of clothing I had and, not knowing what the dress code was I figured it was better to be slightly dressed up than slightly dressed down. When I met Danny he was wearing a black tank top with black pants and a black studded bracelet. The guy clearly had no idea how to present himself. I felt sorry for him.

When he looked at me he smiled at me strangely. I asked him what he was smiling about and he wouldn’t say. He was not his usual chatty self on the way to the club. In fact, he barely said any thing at all. It was like he was trying to stop himself from bursting out laughing. He was being really annoying. I would show him I thought. How many girls were all over him at the party? Not many that I saw. And I bet that none of them were even close to being as hot as Nikki. Danny talked a big game, but the fact was I had never ever seen him with a girl before.

We navigated through the more seedy part of town where Heaven’s Gate was based. “There it is” said Danny with that stupid grin on his face. He pointed to the distinctive gothic church-like building that stood taller than its neighbours. By the time we arrived at the large imposing doors where a bouncer and scantily clad gothic looking girl was checking a guest list, I got an inkling of why Danny was looking so smug.

Lining up to get in was an endless supply of black outfits. Not black dress shirts and pants but black, rough looking, and even torn clothing. Most people were in fancy dress or dressed like Danny. I felt like the kid whose parents sent him to school wearing school uniform when all the other kids knew it was uniform-free day. I know, because I was that kid, more than once. I hoped it wouldn’t end in the persistent ridicule like it used to.

Now very aware and self-conscious of my presentation, I stepped through the large door way of Heaven’s Gate and it was like stepping into another world. The music was loud, and aggressive. The middle of the club sloped downward into a makeshift pit where people were dancing frenetically. Others were standing around on higher ground holding their drinks with big smiles on their faces. Everyone seemed to be genuinely enjoying each other’s company. The atmosphere was very relaxed despite the setting created by the dark soundtrack and the sea of dark outfits punctuated by the brightness of a nurse’s or angel’s costume.

In the same way that he opened our night at Wayne’s tribute party, Danny looked into the crowd and rubbed his hands together.

“Come on, lets go grab a drink and get out there” he said enthusiastically. I could have sworn I saw him lick his lips as he said it. I hoped that the higher price of buying drinks over the bar would cause Danny to curb his drinking habits

On the way to the bar, I accidentally bumped into a large, bald, well-built man. Connected to his neck was a black collar with a chain hanging from it. And holding that chain was a petite Asian woman with big fake eyelashes. They looked at me and smiled. Not in the same way that Danny smirked previously but in a genuinely kind sort of way.

“I haven’t seen you around here before” said the one with the large eyelashes.

“This is my first time” I replied. It was all I could manage while attempting to absorb my new surreal surroundings.

“Welcome” she said, extending her free hand “I am Ariel, and this is Mykonos.”

Mykonos did not extend his hand but merely bowed his head forward. Ariel had a firm handshake for someone so small. I also remember thinking that her hands were unusually warm but did not think anything of it at the time.

“I hope you enjoy your evening” Ariel said with a smile as she sexily strutted away on her ridiculously high platform boots and dragged Mykonos away. Over her shoulder, she said something that I couldn’t hear over the noise. I think she said “Nice shirt” before winking at me and completely disappearing into the crowded dance floor.

Danny bought us two of his favourite cola and scotches. “Cheers” he mouthed before almost completely consuming the whole drink in one mouthful. He gestured towards his mouth to ask if I wanted another drink and I showed him my almost full glass.

Danny disappeared into the bar queue and I took in my surroundings. If Mindy had come here, she probably would have freaked out. She was not the most open-minded of individuals and I was guilty of letting this control the breadth of my experience.

A while had passed and I couldn’t see Danny’s head on top of his tall lanky frame sticking up among the heads of other average sized mortals as I usually could. I felt uncomfortable just standing around by myself when it seemed like everyone was having a blast around me. I started venturing out feeling as out of place as a policeman at a hippie convention.

I looked towards the dance floor. Everyone was so loose and fluid. Some were dancing to their own beat.  Some were dancing in perfect time with the music. Everyone was dancing carelessly. Some of them were smiling broad grins. Some of them had their eyes closed in some kind of simple ecstasy. I got the feeling they were all really happy for no good reason.

I felt like an impostor amongst this well of positivity. At that moment, my eyes recognised Danny. He was kissing a girl in a white nurses outfit. One hand was holding his drink, the other one was running its fingers through her hair.  Even socially awkward alcohol fuelled Danny could make the most of this scene.

Everything was happening so quickly. I was overstimulated and couldn’t think properly. I simultaneously wanted to leave but stay there. All the flurries of sound and lights and limbs were both beautiful and repulsive at the same time.

I went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. I took out a paper towel from the dispenser and dabbed my face dry. Another guy came to the sink next to me and started washing his hands.

“Nice shirt” he said to me with a smile and a firm tap on the shoulder before leaving.

I looked at myself in the mirror. What was wrong with me? I had taken a life that was going perfectly well and turned it into a nightmare. And now, in a situation where it seemed impossible for anyone to be unhappy, I was still miserable.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I reflected on the past few weeks. The breakup with Mindy, the feelings of liberation that followed, the embarrassment of being rejected by Jessica, the loss of my internship and probably the only chance to get a head start on my career, and the fruitless hours spent in front of my screen trying to unlock the creativity I knew that was inside me.

I felt like I had lost it all, and I didn’t have that much to start off with. I was starting from zero. In this place, no one but Danny knew me. I could be anyone I wanted to be.

I was no longer, Lex the man with the plan. I was just Lex. I couldn’t think of a better time to reinvent myself.

“Thanks” I said reaching for the ice.

“Here, let me help you” she said sitting down next to me and holding the ice on the back of my head.

“I’m Nikki” she said. At this point, I couldn’t tell what she looked like as I only saw the ice initially, and now she was sitting behind me.

“Lex” I said. This is it. I thought to myself as I frantically searched my mind for something clever to say. I was about to apologise for being so terse with my replies when I realised, I needed to just relax like Uncle Brandon said. I will let her come to me. Women love sex just as much as men, I repeated to myself silently.

“You were like, so totally brave. Your friend is like a total douche. I’m not even joking, he is so annoying.  But you, you were so awesome.”

I did not know what to say. I had forgotten what it was like to receive praise from girls. So, I just stayed silent, hoping it would appear that I was relaxed.

Nikki kept the ice pack on the back of my head and put her hand on my thigh to steady herself on my side. She looked at my face and I looked at her. She had shoulder length dark hair with dark eyes. Her cheeks were perpetually rosy which gave the impression she was always blushing. I remembered her now. While I couldn’t see it at the time, I remembered she had a banging little body that was hugged by her short denim shorts. It was getting harder to just relax.

“Are you OK?” she asked me. Nikki made a cute concerned face as she tilted her head and pouted her lips slightly “You’re not going into shock are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks Nikki. Nice to meet you.” She was making it difficult for me to relax. I needed to regroup. I unsteadily got to my feet and looked for Danny.

Danny was sitting in a chair staring off into space and nursing a plastic cup that looked more like another one of his favourite drinks than a much needed glass of water. I knew better than to argue with him.

“Are you OK?” I asked him.

“I should be asking you that question” said Danny, gesturing to the makeshift ice pack I was holding to the back of my head.

“I’m OK” I told him.

“Then what are you doing over here? That hottie was all over you. Get back in there man.”

I looked over my shoulder and Nikki was looking over my way. She smiled and gave a cute wave by wiggling her fingers in my direction. I almost waved but then suppressed myself and quickly turned around. Play it cool, Lex. Just relax. I heard these words of Uncle Brandon’s repeating in my head.

“I have it covered” I told Danny.

I felt a hand on my shoulder spinning me around. I turned to face a very angry looking Mindy.

“What is your problem?” she asked me.

“What are you talking about?” I enquired less than politely.

“Why were you so weird around Charlie?”

“I wasn’t being weird. And if I was, I have every right to be. You don’t think I would be a little jealous that my girlfriend that I had spent the last four years of my life is already moving on not even one week after we broke up?”

“I’m not moving on, Charlie is a friend. But what if he wasn’t? Does it make you mad that someone desires me? How long do I have to wait, Lex?” I really wished she would keep her voice down. I could feel many pairs of eyes attracted to the scene developing around us.

I had nothing. “Forget about it. I’m done” was all that I could say. I desired Mindy. God knows I had tried to initiate sex so many times only to be met with “Its getting late”, “I don’t really feel like it” or “I think my parents are coming home soon” which all equated to “We are not having sex.” It was her fault that we were not having sex, not a lack of desire from me. How dare she put that on me? But I did not want to discuss this here. I could feel my recently acquired hero status diminishing with this ex-lover’s spat and revealing to everyone my barren sex life would only accelerate the decline. It was time to leave Nikki. I turned my back and walked away to find Nikki. I felt the dampness of Charlie’s drink on my back followed by a “Fuck you Lex” from Mindy. I did not turn around because I was afraid to confront Mindy’s fury.

I did my best to disappear into the crowd. Success is the best revenge I remember someone telling me. Nikki would be my success tonight. I could not find her so I asked around and followed the vague directions. I found Nikki. The only problem was, she was straddling another guys lap and kissing him passionately.

I don’t know how long I stood rooted to the spot and watched dumbfounded but I am pretty sure it was too long to salvage any dignity.

I found Danny “Heeey, there’s my man” he said with a congratulatory tone.

“Let’s get out of here” I told him.

“But what about the hottieees?” he protested as I dragged him out the front gates.

“I’m not in the mood” was all the explanation I gave him. My negativity must have been so strong that, even in his drunken state, Danny knew not to utter another word until it we parted ways.

“Drunk girls, man. Don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow you will realise its not so bad.”

“Thanks” I said unconvincingly as we walked in our separate directions.

I felt like crap and didn’t wake up until lunchtime on Sunday. I poured myself some cereal and milk and reflected on the shit weekend and Uncle Brandon’s bad advice. No wonder why Dad told me to stay away from him. I thought about calling him up and giving him the lowdown on how his crap advice was worsening the quality of my life. My better judgment told me it was a fruitless exercise as he would probably just give me more crap advice to cover the old crap advice.

After finishing my late breakfast, I sat at my desk in my pyjamas with my unbrushed teeth and set my stopwatch. I turned my phone off and attempted to focus. I was at least going to stay true to my creative practice.

My hands rested on the keyboard but not one key was pressed. After sixteen minutes of staring blankly at the screen while ruminating on the events of the past few weeks I abandoned the session and turned off the computer.

I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling with my hands on my face. I had destroyed a life full of promise because I could not recognise what I had in front of me.  If life was hopeless before, I had no idea where my life had arrived. I thought about the pain killers in the medicine cabinet. The only thing that stopped me from cramming a handful into my mouth was my cynicism. I knew if I attempted suicide, I would probably fuck it up somehow.

I had sunk to a new low.

“Time to get to work” said Danny, rubbing his hands together and looking into the crowd “but first, let’s get some drinks into us.”

Danny pulled a bottle of cheap scotch out of his backpack and mixed it with some black cola looking drink.

He gave me a glass. I took a sip and almost spit it out. It was awfully strong and really bitter. The only thing that stopped me from spewing the contents of my mouth all over Danny was the fear of looking uncool in front of everyone, especially the girls.

In about ten minutes, Danny had finished his drink and was pouring himself another one. I had barely taken a sip since my first mouthful.

Danny swaggered away in search of some girls to hit on. The swagger and his tall, skinny frame made him look like a tall red headed clown on stilts. The kind of clown that all the kids are scared of. “Sup, hotties? Wanna jump on this?” he propositioned a group of girls who were smoking by the edge of the large elliptical pool. Some of them giggled, but not at Danny, but at the object of Danny’s affection.

She turned her back to Danny and looked really annoyed. I saw Danny’s flamboyant antics were getting the attention of two large, muscular and most importantly, surly looking guys looking to win the favour of the girls Danny thought he was entertaining.

Before I could think about it, I rushed in there and pulled my friend by the shoulders.

“I’m really sorry. He is normally really cool if you give him a chance. I will take care of him” I said to the girl making sure I didn’t make accidental eye contact with the meatheads.

“Hey man, what are you doing?” protested Danny “she was totally into me. She was just playing hard to get.”

I knew better than to argue with Danny when he had a few drinks in him “I know, buddy. It’s just that I feel like a bit of a loner and I need you to just stick with me a while so I can find my feet”

“Yeah sure man, I can do that. So you wanna-” Danny was cut off by someone jostling him that made him spill some of his drink on the back of my t-shirt.

“Oh shit, man.” Danny said to me apologetically. Danny’s facial expression changed to one of anger as he turned to his assailant who actually looked like a dark haired version of Danny, at least in the dim backyard lighting of the party.

Before Danny could open his mouth, the guy said “Sorry buddy, just trying to get through here. Here, you want some of my vodka?” He offered Danny the bottle.

As the guy reached down to get the bottle out of his bag, I saw that familiar silhouette, it was Mindy.

I don’t know why, but I looked away. And I think she saw me look away. I decided to stick to the plan and looked back up.

“Hey…Mindy”

“Hi” she said. She was responding exactly like I thought she would, not giving me any closure, not giving me any chance to relax. It seemed like an eternity before the silence was broken.

“Hi, I’m Charlie” said Danny’s nemesis.

“Hi, I’m Lex” I said shaking his hand trying to appear civil when jealousy was eating me up inside. It had not even been a week and Mindy had found someone else.

“Oh, you’re Lex” said Charlie cheerfully “I’ve heard so much about you. Nice to finally meet you.”

What was that supposed to mean? Mindy had obviously been talking shit about me behind my back. Was nothing sacred with her?

“Nice to meet you too, Charlie” I said as calmly as I could. I needed an excuse to eject. I looked around for Danny, he was getting himself into trouble again. Even when he couldn’t help himself, that guy was my greatest asset.

“Danny,” I called out to him like an owner calls his pet puppy “Let’s talk later” I said to Mindy over my shoulder before running out to save Danny from himself.

It was the same group of girls and this time, the two meatheads were involved.

“They asked you nicely to get lost. Now get fucked” said the less solid of the two. Danny’s eyes were glazed over and did not seem to comprehend what the smaller meathead was saying. Danny was taller than one of them but he was giving away a lot in pure mass and testosterone. I did not like his chances. What’s more, both of them were looking to stamp their authority on this pseudo harem, and dispatching Danny would be the perfect way to do so.

My heart was racing. The meatheads didn’t look like they understood more than non verbal grunts. Closer up I could see that the bigger one had a tattoo on his neck that said “Fuck da police.” Clearly, we were out of our depth.

“Hey guys. He’s just had a little too much to drink. I’ll take care of him. Enjoy the rest of the night. Take care.”

As I yet again put my arms around Danny’s shoulders to lead him away, I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head and fell forward, almost taking Danny with me. One of the meatheads had punched me in the back of the head. In his drunken state Danny attempted suicide by going after them. Fortunately, I managed to grab his ankle and send him crashing to the ground to join me.

“What are you doing? Those fuckers sucker punched you.”

“I know” I said nursing the back of my head “and they will do a lot worse to us if we start throwing punches”

“Come on, get up funny man” said one of my assailants.

I had one hand on my head and one hand on Danny’s pant leg. “Let go of me” he said. I was doing my best to hold him back. Danny was tall but wiry and I remember I always won the arm wrestling matches we had. Danny always told me he let me win but his scrawny famine-like forearms said otherwise.

Usually so laid-back, alcohol fuelled a rage producing machine inside Danny. Thankfully, I did not have to hold him back for long as some of the other guests started forcing the two meatheads out. While Danny thrashed his way free, the wall of people around our attackers stopped him from getting into more trouble.

After a couple of minutes, it seemed like some semblance of reality returned to Danny. Then, he started laughing hysterically “Can you imagine…ha ha ha, can you imagine what they would have done to us? They would have destroyed us. Like really, really KABOOM.” Danny continued laughing while I gingerly rubbed the swelling. At least I wasn’t bleeding.

I filled Uncle Brandon in on the details since I last saw him.

“Just a minute” he said. I couldn’t tell whether he was talking to me or his acquaintance.

It sounded like he was leaving his bedroom. I could hear him pouring something into a glass and the scraping of a chair on the floor. Shortly after, he started speaking again “It sounds like this bird was into you.” He sniffled slightly before continuing “but it sounded like you were not sure what you wanted to do. Women know when a guy knows what to do. When he knows, they like that. When he doesn’t they find it repulsive. Most women will hate having to take control. It makes them feel slutty, and not in a good way.”

Only Uncle Brandon could think that slutty could be taken in a good way.

“But I don’t really know what to do, Uncle Brandon. I have never tried to make a girl like me. Mindy hit on me and I have been with her for four years. Even if I once knew how to like, get sexual with a girl, I would have forgotten it by now,”

Uncle Brandon chuckled to himself slightly. “You don’t have to learn anything, kiddo. Do you think cavemen needed to learn how to fuck? Are you dumber than a caveman? I don’t think so. Just don’t try so hard. Women love sex too. Trust me. If she likes you, just sit back and relax and get out of your own way.”

I was about to ask him about the apparent contradiction of how to take control of the situation while sitting back and relaxing, when he cut me off.

“Listen kid, got to run. Let me know how you go.”

Before I could say bye, Uncle Brandon hung up and I was left even more confused than before.

That night, I went to a party that was kind of a tribute to Wayne. While Wayne wasn’t much good at school, a lot of the kids at school loved the t-shirts he distributed through his business. He was something of an icon at the advanced age of nineteen.

I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was pretty sure Mindy would be there. And if she wasn’t, I was pretty sure some of her friends would be.

“Come on man,” whined Danny “don’t be a pussy. You are letting her run your life even after you broke up. Don’t be a pussy” he repeated. Words were not Danny’s strong point.

Danny had a point. I was going to have to face Mindy sooner or later. The trouble was, Mindy was so difficult to read. I was sure she was going to blow up when we broke up but her response was unexpectedly underwhelming.

I was also keen to see how Uncle Brandon’s new advice would work for me. The more I was thinking about Mindy, the more I felt like it was throwing me off course. As the afternoon rolled around, I realised that the best course of action was probably to try and get the initial contact over with as soon as possible.